Tag Archive | Humour

A Stranger on the Train by Karen J Mossman

Originally posted on The Magic of Stories -October 20, 2018

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Jenna heard the song on the radio and the sweet rawness of the words transported her back two years when she met a stranger on a train.

She was travelling to London to visit Aunt Ivy and running late. She pulled open a carriage door just as the whistle blew. Too late, she realised she was in a first-class compartment and there was a lone occupant inside. He looked up with surprise. “Sorry,” she said, not meaning to invade his privacy. The train lurched forward throwing her into the seat and almost into his lap. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

He was very handsome with the deepest brown eyes she had ever seen.

“It’s okay, as you’re here,” he said. She hadn’t expected to hear an American voice in the heart of England.

Jenna sat down in the seat opposite. The train carriage was small. Outside it was hot and clammy and not a day for travelling. The open window made little difference to the humidity and trying to draw him into a conversation was proving difficult. Giving up, Jenna settled back to rest and fell asleep.

Waking up, she found the train stationery and Nino, as she later learnt, was nowhere in sight. Pulling out a magazine she read the problem page and was part way through someone’s acne breakout when he opened the door. He looked like an Adonis dressed black.

“Hi,” he drawled. “It’s so damned hot in here, I thought we could use a drink.” He was carrying two cans of cola.

“Oh, thank you,” she said. “Just what I needed.”
“I don’t think the British have heard of air conditioning,” he said as he sat down he pulled the ring off the can.

“Well this weather is unusual,” she replied taking in his square solid chin and small nose. Those deep-set eyes set her heart racing when he looked at her.

“Sure as hell is,” he said taking a long swig.

“Are you on holiday?” she asked.

“I’m working. You?”

“I’m visiting my aunt. I erm…” For a moment she contemplated telling him and then thought, what the heck, he was just a stranger. “I’m escaping a broken romance and my aunt says she has just the remedy for a broken heart.”

For the first time Nino looked interested. “Why would anyone break your heart, honey?”

His eyes softened and the way he called her honey made her pulse quicken.

“Because Pete found someone else who was more exciting and prettier than me, the bastard. We’d only been together two years.” She shrugged. She still couldn’t believe she had meant so little to him. Feeling the familiar lump in her throat, she grinned as if she had said something funny.

“I’m sorry,” he replied sympathetically.

“So,” she said with exaggerated brightness. “My aunt is going to take me out and has promised me a good time. In fact,” she knew she was babbling now, “tomorrow she’s taking me to a concert at the Lords Hall.”

Nino raised his eyebrows, “Lord’s Hall, no kidding?”

“Yeah, you know it?”

“I’m going too.”

“Well, that’s a coincidence! I’ve never heard of the singer which isn’t surprising as my aunt has weird taste in music sometimes but hey, if it gets me out…”

“Sure does. And you never know you might enjoy it.”

“Yeah, bloody singing Eyetie who probably thinks he’s God’s gift to women.” Nino looked amused. “He’s got a foreign sounding name, so I hope he sings in English.”

“He does. His name’s Santario and he’s all right.”

“Thank goodness for that. We have front row seats, so I can hardly sneak out if he is rubbish!”

The journey flew by as they chatted, and Jenna felt a fleeting disappointment when he didn’t suggest they meet up at the concert.

***

Surprisingly, Lord’s Hall was packed. Jenna wondered how so many people had heard of him when she hadn’t.

“You’ll love him, I promise.” Aunt Ivy gushed at Jenna’s scepticism.

“Ladies and Gentlemen.” A disembodied voice announced as the show began. “Please welcome on stage Mr Nino Santario!”

The auditorium erupted into a standing applause as the singer appeared. The only person still seated and not clapping was Jenna. Shocked, she stared at the stranger from the train.

He was wearing all black again, jeans, tee-shirt and a leather jacket with tassels that swayed as he moved. He had talent and Jenna was soon up with the rest of them applauding, dancing and enjoying the performance.

Back in the present, the song on the radio ended. Jenna let the memories wash over her. After three encores, she and Aunt Ivy had been invited back stage. Everyone was vying for his attention, but he only had eyes for her.

Later they had dinner, Aunt Ivy smiled, declining his offer to join them, she had to go home and feed the cat. She didn’t have a cat. After they had eaten Nino asked if she had ever been to a casino, she hadn’t, and it was a great experience.

For his next concert, Jenna had sat in the wings and he was even better close up, especially when every time he came off stage, he kissed her!

She followed him around various interviews and photo shoots. She was even with him when he recorded the songs for his debut album.

Everyone treated him like royalty. They all believed this up-and-coming star would be the next big thing. They treated him with such reverence that even he thought he was royalty at times.

Jenna remembered one radio interview where she sat facing Nino, but behind the interviewer. She decided to give him direction

“And when did you discover you could sing?” asked the man.

Jenna rocked her arms and Nino said. “When I was a baby.”

“Really? That young?”

Jenna put her fingers to her eyes pretending to wipe away the tears and Nino said: “I used to cry in tune.”

“Really?” he said again appearing to believe every word.

Nino looked at Jenna who put her hands together in prayer. “I used to cry in church.” She shook her head and Nino said, “I mean sing, I used to sing in church.”

The man nodded, “When you were older, of course?” She held up her fingers and Nino said, “Three, when I was three.”

They had laughed so much and as more interviews came, it got sillier. Jenna tried to put him off whenever he was trying to be too serious.

One day, things went too far, and they ordered Jenna out of the recording studio. Nino was up in arms and walked out too. Everyone was in a flurry about wasted recording time and who was footing the bill.

One night in the hotel room after they had laughed about the day’s antics, Nino said. “I love you, Jen.”

She caught her breath, “But you don’t even know me.”

“Honey, I’ve had the best time. That Pete must have been mad.” He kissed her neck and her skin turned to fire. “I knew you were different the moment you walked onto the train.”

“You mean fell on,” she laughed. “And, you didn’t really want to talk.”

His kisses travelling down her shoulders and she groaned.

“I just wanted to look at you,” he said, his hot breath caressing her.

Sighing and unable to resist him anymore, she found his mouth and drew him in. “Oh Nino, Nino,” she cried, wanting him more than ever.

Picking her up, Nino carried her to the bed where they fell into each other’s arms. Making love to him was an amazing experience, and she didn’t know it then, but it was to be the last time.

***

Now, Jenna stared out of the kitchen window. Their relationship really had been that good. The song faded, and the DJ said, “Nino Santario there, with Broken Dreams, dedicated, he says, to a girl he loved and lost.”

Jenna’s legs went weak, as she felt for the chair. Her heart was still broken for what she’d lost. After all this time, he still loved her!

“And if you want to catch Nino, he will be in Manchester on the 8th and 9th next month. Next we have….”

“Poor Nino,” she whispered out loud. Their affair was all too brief. He had kissed her and said he would see her later. She left his hotel and never saw him again. Later she realised she hadn’t told him anything about herself. All he knew was her first name and that wasn’t even her given name.

Going into town was a daunting task. The bus driver called out her stop and she disembarked. It wasn’t difficult finding where he was staying.

“Can I help you Miss?” a voice beside her asked.

She jumped and turned to him, “Is this The Imperial?”

“It is. Shall I escort you to reception?”

“If you don’t mind,” she said, mounting the steps with him.

“May I help you?” asked the girl at reception as Jenna approached.

“I believe Mr Santario is staying here?” Her heart was pounding making her sound breathless.

“I’m sorry but I can’t give out that information.”

“I’m an old friend of his, you see. Will you to pass this note to him? Would you do that?”

“Well I…”

“I assure you I’m not some crazy fan trying to get near him.”

“Well, all right then, but it doesn’t mean he is staying here.”

Jenna smiled. “I understand. I’ll just wait, is there a seat?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.”

Jenna waited for what seemed like an eternity, her heart thumping wildly. She formed the words in her mind. “Aunt Ivy and I were in a car crash, she died, and it left me like this.”

Then she heard his voice call her name and could imagine his face. She picked up her white stick and went to him.

The end

 

MagicofStories

 

This story is taken from Karen’s book The Magic of Stories. It contains a collection of short stories and poetry. Karen is a multi genre author and this book is divided up into different categories, from romance to paranormal, from stories in poetry to short five-line tails.

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Dear Mr Pop Star by Derek & Dave Philpott

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Title: Dear Mr Pop Star
Author: Derek & Dave Philpott
Publisher: Unbound (September 20, 2018)
Publication Date: September 20, 2018

 
28767798_10155291090256546_1208899743_oA collection of hilarious letters to iconic pop and rock stars with fantastic in-on-the-joke replies from the artists themselves: Eurythmics, Heaven 17, Deep Purple, Devo, Dr. Hook and many, many more…

For more than a decade, Derek Philpott and his son, Dave, have been writing deliberately deranged letters to pop stars from the 1960s to the 90s to take issue with the lyrics of some of their best-known songs. They miss the point as often as they hit it.

But then, to their great surprise, the pop stars started writing back…

Dear Mr Pop Star contains 100 of Derek and Dave’s greatest hits, including correspondence with Katrina and the Waves, Tears for Fears, Squeeze, The Housemartins, Suzi Quatro, Devo, Deep Purple, Nik Kershaw, T’Pau, Human League, Eurythmics, Wang Chung, EMF, Mott the Hoople, Heaven 17, Jesus Jones, Johnny Hates Jazz, Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine, Chesney Hawkes and many, many more.

“If you don’t like this book, then you’re no friend of mine.” Ivan Doroschuk, Men Without Hats

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My Review:

A fabulous, laugh-out-loud book!

Have you ever wanted to write to a pop star to find out the meaning behind their lyrics, or tell them the lyrics don’t make sense? That’s exactly what ‘The Philpotts’ did, and a lot of the stars wrote back!
The letters Derek and Dave wrote are funny and some of the replies are even funnier.

The book kicks off with a letter to the Doctor, from Doctor and the Medics questioning the band name and the difference between a doctor and a medic and the awesome reply from ‘Duck Tour’.

This is a humorous collection of those letters and replies. a must read for any music fan!

 

Derek and Dave Philpott are the noms de plume of two ordinary members of the public, working with help from a worldwide social networking community.

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Time Will Tell by Les Lynam

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…Before You Leap

Before You LeapBook 1

Two teens from two centuries apart, one the direct descendant of the other. Einstein’s Theory didn’t cover THIS relativity.

Sean Kelly considered himself an average 16-year-old, living in an average neighborhood in a small University town. Nothing too exciting ever happened in Grover’s Corners, Missouri; some might even label it boring. His ordinary life was disrupted when a distant relative dropped by at the beginning of his Junior year in high-school. A distant relative from the 23rd Century.

Two 16-year-olds in a time machine. What could possibly go wrong?

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My Review:

A well-written and humorous read.

The characters were brilliantly described, completely believable and come alive as you read.

I loved Sean’s reaction to the science behind time travel, which was interesting and not overly complicated.

Ther was no great cliffhanger at the end, but it was left open for another book, which I’ll be more than happy to read

This book was so much more than your typical sci-fi/time-travel novel.

 

…Saves Nine

Saves NineBook 2

Sean Kelly and LX travel back one more generation to the year 1969. The question is: will either teen know how to ‘make the scene’ in the sixties? Can they blend in with the other teens in tiny Mercer, Iowa; including Sean’s dad? When they return to 1995, both of them have regrets about the past.

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My Review:

Wow! Amazing! I loved this book!

If you read and enjoyed …Before You Leap read this! In my opinion, it’s even better.

The plot is fascinating and the writing outstanding.

The characters from book one continue to develop, and the characters new to this book are well fleshed out.

How the author keeps all the toing and froing between different times straight in his mind while writing it so that it’s completely understandable for the reader is beyond me.

I can only hope that Les Lynam can also travel through time so that the next book in the series will be waiting for me when I finish this book yesterday!
(He couldn’t – I had to wait)

 

…In One Basket

In One BasketBook 3

After her relocation from 1969, Jane joins LX and Sean in an attempt to kidnap a clone from the Schattenwelt space station in the year 2169. Sean is shocked to find that he has already been there twice, but even more surprised by the team leader.

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My Review:

Another great, fun-filled book from Les Lynam !

Having read the first two books of the series I was looking forward to reading …In One Basket, and I was not disappointed.

The book follows on from where the second book ended and I was pulled straight back into the story.

My old friends Sean, Jane/Kate and LX are back and better than ever, and I loved the surprising development of Steffi’s character.

It was an exciting and enjoyable read, filled with non-stop action and unexpected twists!

 

Meet The Author:

Les LynamLes Lynam (1954- ) was born in Creston, Iowa, into a farming family which also included an older brother and two older sisters. The family farm was near the tiny community of Corning, Iowa, (birthplace of Johnny Carson).

After graduating from Corning High School, he attended Central Missouri State University (renamed University of Central Missouri in 2006), graduating in 1976 with a Bachelor’s degree in Mass Communications.

After a short, mostly unsuccessful, attempt at running a print shop, he refocused and returned to a life of studies at the University of Missouri. He received an M.A./M.L.S in 1986 and began a new career as a librarian at Ward Edwards / James C. Kirkpatrick libraries at UCM. He took an early retirement on December 31, 2012 to pursue his lifelong dream of writing Science Fiction.

His premier novel, “…Saves Nine”, was first published in 2014 with hopes and dreams of many more to come. His favorite sub-genre of Science Fiction is Time-Travel, with Martian Colonies a close second.

He has one son and three grandchildren.

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Before Death by D.M. Singh

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I am young, in love and dead.

It’s hard to imagine that people or things like me come from somewhere, but just like every superhero or villain, we all have an origin story.

This is mine.

My name is Derek but you can call me Death.

#deadisthenewsexy

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My Review:

I loved this book!

Written mainly from Derek and Grace’s point of view, with occasional input by Lucian, Before Death is a fantastic read.

I loved the quirky and unique characters, the struggling romance that persists after death and the humour.

I first met Derek in Dead Normal. This is the story of how he fell in love, died and became Death. It’s also Grace’s account of love, betrayal and heartbreak.

An emotional rollercoaster that has you in tears, from both sadness and laughter.

 

Author Bio:

_lJg5zui_400x400Dawn always found comfort in books as a child and from a young age and could be found reading or writing. Her first attempt at fiction was at 10 years old and was entitled Hippo In The House.

Dawn wrote and illustrated the book about a little girl, who returns from home to find a Hippo in her bath tub and the trouble they get into trying to return the Hippo to the zoo .

This was a turning point as Dawn decided that from that moment on the only thing she wanted to do was write, she also decided that she would never be an illustrator as her drawing skills were somewhat lacking to say the least

Fast forward a few years after school and Dawn married, had three children and completed a degree in counselling and psychology. She returned to writing in 2005 when she had an overwhelming flood of ideas for several stories and began writing immediately at every opportunity.

 

D.M. Singh

The Hobbes Family by Dan O’Brien

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Title: The Hobbes Family
Author: Dan O’Brien
Genre: Science Fiction, Fantasy513Iyi8PQTL

The world had ended abruptly and without warning. How will a family navigate a world that seems bent on destroying them? Follow them in this exciting new serial adventure.

Get it today on Kindle!

 

Excerpt:As Michael looked out the broken window of the convenience store, he grimaced. The tall blue oaks that surrounded the building on two sides were dusted with frost; the ground was an amalgam of crystal sheets broken only by brave stalks of undergrowth that dared the frigid touch of the gales. The building wouldn’t serve as a long-term solution. However, it would be useful until the weather broke.

The trek out of the suburban areas began in the family Subaru. Highway 99 was so overrun with smoldering and abandoned vehicles that the Hobbes family was forced to make the remainder of the trek on foot. The winter months proved disastrous. Often, the snow levels came down into the valley for a day, sprinkling unsuspecting areas with brief, beautiful moments of frozen precipitation.

This was different.

A storm settled in the valley, trapped and angry.

When the sun managed to peek through the clouds above, it almost felt bearable. But the great star was soon obfuscated behind a gray wall once more, bloated and teeming with fury as a fresh zephyr of snow and blinding particulates dragged the valley.

Michael looked over at his wife. Susanna’s high cheekbones were prominent and the sallowness of her cheeks from periodic starvation saddened Michael as much as he was capable.

He hadn’t fared much better.
His beard grew in with dark clumps and gray patches; his bedraggled hair was curly in places despite its length. Were it on purpose, he imagined Susanna running her long fingers through it and calling it cute.

The store weathered the apocalypse.

Shelves remained intact for the most part, though they were barren fields. Coolers were popped open. Overturned cans, smashed and left for dead, littered the floor.

This was someone else’s last stand.  

 

The Author:

danobrienDan O’Brien has over 50 publications to his name––including the bestselling Bitten, which was featured on Conversations Book Club’s Top 100 novels of 2012.

Before starting Amalgam Consulting, he was the senior editor and marketing director for an international magazine.

You can learn more about his literary and publishing consulting business by visiting his website. Follow him on Twitter.

 

 

 
Books by Dan O’Brien
Bitten
Dawn
The Little Artisan
Conspirators of the Lost Sock Army and the Loose Change Collection Agency

Conspirators of the Lost Sock Army and the Loose Change Collection Agency

by Dan O’Brien

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Title: Conspirators of the Lost Sock Army and the Loose Change Collection Agency
Author: Dan O’Brien
Genre: Fairy Tale, Children’s Book, Humour

 
51ZwaV8dJML._SY346_Have you ever wondered where your loose change went? The missing sock that disappears without a trace: where could it be? Robert has seen it all. He spends his days watching awful daytime television and taking extended naps on his plush couch. One day, a strange little man appears beneath his couch, a leprechaun named Colin. Together, they hatch a plan to reclaim Colin’s lost fortune and defeat an army of lost socks and an evil gremlin. Carefully illustrated by the talented Steve Ferchaud, it reminds us that you’re never too old to have one more adventure. Loved by adults and children, this illustrated fairy tale is meant to be read aloud.

Get it today on Kindle!

Excerpt:

Robert heard the voice again, the thick Irish accent clear as the little man spoke. “That’d be like me calling ye human all the time, not very polite that’d be.”

He opened his eyes slowly and saw the little man, the leprechaun, perched on the couch. Reclined back against the armrest, a pipe snug between his teeth, he snapped his fingers.

The light of the overturned lamp flickered on and floated back to the now right-side-up table. Robert watched in disbelief, his mouth hanging open and a bewildered look plastered across his face.

Robert pointed shakily. “Not a leprechaun?” he asked, the confused expression deepening.

The leprechaun sighed and stepped off the edge of the couch and landed upon the air as if it were another floor. The smoke from his pipe followed the tiny sprite as he stopped close to the huddled man. He tipped his tam-o’-shanter and pulled the pipe from his lips.

“We haven’t the time for this, laddie. I require your help, Robert Pendleton, and I be afraid that I have little time for lengthy introductions. You can call me Colin.”

Robert’s face twisted in befuddlement.

“Colin, the leprechaun,” he repeated––a long pause before he breathed once more.

“Just Colin, less you want me to be calling ye Robert, the human, all the time,” chided the sprite as he blew a colossal bundle of smoke from his lips.

Robert opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. His mind spun. “What can I do for you, Colin?” he finally managed to say.

The leprechaun eyed him for a moment and then as quick as Robert could blink, the sprite rested comfortably on the couch once more. “That’s better, laddie. Though I imagine you be thinking of pinchin’ yerself to see if this be real. I can assure ye that this be no dream.”

Robert nodded numbly.

“I be from another world just outside the one you know. A place of magic and wonder,” began the leprechaun, ignoring the vacant look on Robert’s face as he continued. “And in this place, we sprites live quite happily. You’ve heard of a leprechaun’s pot-o-gold?” 

 
The Author:

Dan O_BrienDan O’Brien has over 50 publications to his name––including the bestselling Bitten, which was featured on Conversations Book Club’s Top 100 novels of 2012.

Before starting Amalgam Consulting, he was the senior editor and marketing director for an international magazine.

You can learn more about his literary and publishing consulting business by visiting his website. Follow him on Twitter.

 

 

Bitten by Dan O’Brien
Dawn by Dan O’Brien
The Little Artisan by Dan O’Brien

Fools Of Parody by Scott Moses

Fools Of Parody

 

Aliens, Dolphins and the human race – what could go wrong?

31649376_10216044094204787_7170055108732911616_nGiven the choice to wipe-out humanity and turn the world over to Earth’s higher life forms or give humans one last chance, what would you do?

Aliens Anu and Matrona are pissed. Since their last visit to Earth 2000 years ago the world is more intent on destroying itself than ever before. Teaching seven ordinary people the tools to save their world they give humanity nine months to clean up their act. There will be opposition but good must prevail over evil or else! Can the human race learn to love each other and appreciate life? Or will dolphins become the predominant life on Earth?

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Excerpt:

Hundreds continued to arrive into the sacred grounds each day. Communities of like-minded pilgrims sprang up sharing their tents and food with anyone who asked.

Cable channels catering to science and science-fiction lovers canceled their programs in favor of broadcasting 24-7 from the site. Interviews with scientists, authors, spectators, and former abductees interspersed the actionless action. The continuous TV coverage kept many would-be trekkers at home.

Two of the more memorable interviews happened at the beginning of the week. The first occurred when a reporter spotted the owner of a national fast food chain. A social network video of him and his family killing an elephant while on safari in Africa elevated him to a loathed anti-hero. Asked why he was there, the owner replied, “God made man superior to all other life. Plus, I got some bad press when I killed that dumb animal. Let’s see what they think of me when I kill these space people.”

The second came when a local TV station interviewed Miss Twyla Faye Barrow of Van Buren, Missouri about details of her abduction. An over-sized woman with bright, multi-colored makeup and a good humored smile recounted her story. She ended with a plea to the aliens. “If you can hear me, please let me know what you used for the anal probe. I have not found anything on earth that comes close and I would like to manufacture them here. Of course, I’ll split the royalties with you, say 20 percent?”

Traditional news stations battled for the best positions to view the gleaming space vehicle. Finance TV told their viewers 100 different ways they could make money from the event. By the end of the week, the State of Kansas made U.S. Route 281 a toll road between the city of Lebanon and the landing spot. Proclaiming the ship a state landmark, they charged fees for entering and camping in the park.

Interest among TV viewers started to decline. Stations devised new ways to keep their audiences interested, but the lack of action made the broadcasts as exciting as airline food. Losing viewers by the score, the news outlets had to think of ways to keep the interest before their ratings dropped further and exploded on the sidewalk like a bag of soup thrown from the Empire State Building. As one producer put it, “It ain’t doing nothing. It just fuckin’ sits there.”

The media’s long-time solution of making stuff up and presenting their fecal matter as truth served them well. Throwing their crap into a yard spreader known as “the news,” they continued to fertilize the seeds of fear and ignorance continuing their quest of splitting the world into separate but equal hate groups.SM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

Pre-order the Ebook of Fools Of Parody for 99 cents.
Order before Friday and join the Fools Of Parody Release Party – you could win a $5 Amazon Gift Card.

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Author Bio:

27781330_10215303502090447_493375454_nThe Laughing Warrior, Scott Moses is the author of the reviewer acclaimed novel “Between Truth and Eternity”.

His turn-ons include taking long hikes with his dogs, jello wrestling, and homemade chilli. Turn-offs include mean people and driving behind someone with their blinker on for five miles.

He lives among the majesty and clean air of the San Francisco Peaks.

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14192123_291374887905084_8934348183651967026_nKKantas AuthorAssist