Tag Archive | daughter

Portrait

A couple of months ago my youngest daughter asked me to paint a picture of her children for her. Yesterday was her birthday and I gave her the picture I had painted.
I was very nervous as she unwrapped it, but that soon turned to relief as she liked it!

It also means I can now post it on here 😀

From these…

 

…to this!

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Quilters and Authors

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In my semi-retirement I’ve taken up a couple of hobbies. The first was quilting. I had decided when my first natural granddaughter was born that I wanted to make something special for her.  A quilt would be the perfect handmade gift and though I had never made one before I decided I was a smart lady and could figure this out.strip quilt That was the clincher. I was hooked! Quilting became my new obsession it was so fun, relaxing and rewarding when the quilt was finished. Reading and viewing videos about quilting became an obsession as I wanted to learn as much as I could. I’ve never looked back. Every quilt I’ve made has been an accomplishment of which I am ever so proud. God forgive me for my pride.

Some time later my daughter began her endeavors to become a published author. That first book took her a long time…

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Me, My Family and Mental Health

I’ve been debating whether to do this post for a while but, having seen and read the Time to Change website, I’ve decided to share my story to  help others understand. Since making that decision to do it, it has taken me three days to write it…. because of my gibberish problem (see below*) and even longer to have the nerve to post it!!

Mental health has been an issue for at least 3 generations of females in my family, but it has affected us all in different ways.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in my early twenties and have been prescribed a variety of different anti-depressants over the years. Even with the anti-depressants, I have no self-confidence or self-esteem. The thought of meeting new people scares me, as does being in a group of people, even having to talk to someone I know makes me nervous. I don’t like going out in case someone talks to me because I don’t know what to say to them. *When I do talk to people I feel as though I’m talking gibberish, even doing this  post I feel like I’m typing  gobbledygook!
I have times when I have no interest in things, when I get irritable, when I have no energy or when I am tearful for no reason. On a good note though, I am not suicidal, although I have been in the past.

Depression.

We often use the expression ‘I feel depressed’ when we’re feeling sad or miserable about life. Usually, these feelings pass in due course. But, if the feelings are interfering with your life and don’t go away after a couple of weeks, or if they come back, over and over again, for a few days at a time, it could be a sign that you’re depressed in the medical sense of the term.

In its mildest form, depression can mean just being in low spirits. It doesn’t stop you leading your normal life, but makes everything harder to do and seem less worthwhile. At its most severe, major depression (clinical depression) can be life-threatening, because it can make you feel suicidal or simply give up the will to live.

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If you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll have seen me mention Zoe. Zoe is my youngest daughter and I think that we’re very close. She has two children, an 8-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy. She now lives with her daughters dad but hasn’t always done so.

Zoe was  diagnosed  with BPD (borderline personality disorder) when she was 21.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

BPD is one of many personality disorders listed in the diagnostic manuals used by clinicians when they are giving someone a psychiatric diagnosis.

Below are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder according to recent government guidelines. A doctor will diagnose borderline personality disorder in persons who have five or more of these symptoms and if the symptoms have a significant impact on them.

  • Having emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
  • Black and white thinking. idealisation to devaluation
  • Difficulty in making and maintaining relationships
  • Having an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
  • Taking risks or doing things without thinking about the consequences
  • Harming yourself or thinking about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
  • Fearing being abandoned or rejected or being alone
  • Sometimes believing in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or seeing or hearing things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

People with borderline personality disorder have high rates of other mental health related problems, such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance misuse (drugs or alcohol).
The question of ‘personality disorders’ is controversial, as what some experts term as ‘personality’ others regard as ‘the self’; so any suggestion that a person’s self is disordered, damaged or flawed can be distressing.

BPD is thought to affect less than one percent of the general population. It’s been estimated that three-quarters of those given this diagnosis are women. It’s a condition that is usually diagnosed in adults only.

Research shows that people with BPD are more likely to have suicidal thoughts and make suicide attempts compared to people with other psychiatric diagnoses.

While mental health experts now generally agree that the name “borderline personality disorder” is misleading, a more accurate term does not exist yet.

The causes of BPD are unclear. Most researchers think that BPD develops through a combination of factors, including temperament, childhood and adolescent experiences. Difficult life events such as the early loss of a parent, childhood neglect, sexual or physical abuse are common in people diagnosed with BPD though this is not always the case. Stressful experiences, such as the break-up of a relationship or the loss of a job, can lead to already present symptoms of BPD getting worse.

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Seeing Zoe live with a lot of the symptoms above has been heartbreaking for me, especially when you look at the causes of BPD.

Due to my own mental health issues and the inability to cope, I put my children into care.  It wasn’t a decision I made easily, but I honestly thought that they would be better off with people who could care for them better than I was able to. I didn’t know how wrong could I be.
While the eldest two went to live permanently with my parents, my two younger children, after a brief stay with my parents, were pushed from pillar to post in the ‘care’ system.
I’d like to think that there are great foster parents somewhere out there, that there are people who take children in because they want to help them and look after them and don’t just see them as a cash cow. But if there are, then I don’t know where they were when my children needed a home.
My children were neglected and abused, and I was mostly kept in the dark. When I did find things out and tried my best to help them, I was patronised or ignored… everyone knew better than me…. and the things I did find out at the time were nothing compared to what I know now.
I have regrets, I wish things could have been different for all of us, and I feel a great deal of guilt, but I made a decision which I thought was right at that time.

I have seen Zoe suffer, I have seen the results of her self-harming, and I have sat at the side of her hospital bed desperately hoping that she will be ok.  I’ve had to watch her dive heart-first into abusive or destructive relationships rather than be alone, unable to prevent the inevitable outcome, only able to try to pick up the pieces afterward. I’ve watched her move house impulsively, packed and gone (or just gone), within days, on more occasions than I care to think about. I’ve seen her need help, but either not ask for it or not get it until it’s too late.
Through all of it I have tried to be there for her, whenever she needed or wanted me to be, but I don’t know if it was enough.

I have also witnessed her fight for a good life for herself and her children, and I’ve seen her give up, only to come back stronger and fight again.
I’m watching her now, build a life for family and I hope, with all my heart, that she will succeed.  I also hope she knows, that I will do anything within my power to help them.

If you would like to read or understand how having BPD affects Zoe, check out her blog Living On The Borderline

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My eldest daughter, Claire, is married, has two boys aged 7 and 11, with a third due in September.
I can’t say too much about Claire as we don’t talk often. She generally only rings when she has a problem, is upset or has some great new. Nine times out of ten when I ring her she is too busy to talk for long.
I don’t know whether she has actually been diagnosed with a mental health illness, but I do know that she recently spent a week in rehab for alcohol abuse. However at different times she has told me she is bipolar and/or schizophrenic. She isn’t, as far as I know, being treated for either condition.
She does have problems staying in relationships as the grass always seems greener elsewhere. She is also a fantasist and an attention seeker.
I have to admit I don’t understand her very well and I feel bad about that, although having done some research I think I am more understanding than I was. I do wish she could just be honest and open, and maybe that would help her get some help with her problem. I also hope that she will be able to settle in her on and off, and on again, relationship with her husband.

Attention seeking.

Some behavioral problems seem to plague compulsive overeaters and substance abusers more than other groups. Excess attention seeking appears to be one of them. All humans require attention. Without getting and giving attention, you could not have a social species. Getting attention is necessary for life’s vital enterprises and can be the difference between life and death in a crisis. Therefore, not getting adequate attention can threaten the quality and sustainability of life. Thus, getting functional social attention is understandable. However, extreme attention seekers go to unhealthy lengths that are driven by emotional desperation.

Excessive attention seeking is not a character flaw. It is a brain wiring response to early developmental trauma caused by neglect though not all neglect is evidence of a lack of love. People only have so much they can give; sometimes that is not enough. The developing brain observes its environment and wires itself accordingly to survive in that world that it presumes will be like those experiences.

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My Mum is another person I really do not understand.

She has had depression. She spent some time on a psychiatric ward when I was 17. You would expect her to have some understanding or empathy for myself and my daughters, but you’d be wrong.
She is definitely a member of the old ‘snap out of it, pull your socks up and get over it‘ brigade.

She seems to think that I no longer have a problem, that my not ‘not liking’ to meet new people is because I am shy. She doesn’t realise that when we are out together and she talks to anyone and everyone, that all I want to do is run away and hide, or even curl up and die, that I couldn’t be happier if the ground opened and swallowed me up.

When she talks to me about my daughters, she says things like… “We know what it’s like” and “We know how it feels”, but she doesn’t know what it’s like for me, for Zoe or for Claire.

I don’t know how it feels to be Zoe!

I don’t know how it feels to be Claire!

I know how it feels to be me and it’s not good, and I’m not over it, and I’m guessing that after 30 years of not being able to snap out of it, I probably never will!

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So, there it is, a brief look into my family’s fight with Mental Health. Writing this post has been a struggle for me, but if it helps even one person overcome the stigma of mental health, or helps a single person change their attitude towards people with mental health problems, then it has been worth it.

Cupcake Boxes

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Late Friday afternoon, I had an urgent request for 15 cupcake boxes, from my dear, and ever so delightful daughter.
She needed them by Saturday morning for her partners party later!
As she was happy for them to be plain and simple, I said I would try to get them done.

I needed something quick and easy, so I adapted a template from a free e-book to a cutting file for my scan’n’cut. I cut all 15 boxes on the scan’n’cut in the time it would have taken me to cut one or two by hand.

I then had them all to score by hand, though, just me, a hougie board and a bone folder, which took a while!

 

Early Saturday morning I used double-sided tape to stick the boxes together, then I threaded some ribbon through the tops.

All done, with time to spare for me to get ready and go.

It was a great party. Smileys

Popcorn Boxes

For the past couple of days, I’ve been making personalised popcorn boxes. My daughter asked me to make these for her partners birthday party.
I’ve made 25 large boxes and another 25 smaller ones.

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They are really easy to make… the hardest part was getting the design right before printing.
Once they were printed I cut them out. I used my guillotine for the straight edges, along the top and sides, and scissors for the rest. I used my Hougie Board to score the folds, stuck it together with double-sided tape and tucked the bottom flaps in so they looked like this…

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Template for small box, (approx 9.5cm high x 6.5cm across the top). Place double-sided tape, or glue, in the shaded areas.

The larger boxes had to be printed and cut in two pieces, as they were too big for a piece of A4 card/paper.

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Template for large box, (approx 16cm high x 11cm across the top). Place double-sided tape, or glue, in the shaded areas.

25 Years

“Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”
– Mark Twain

Yesterday was my silver wedding anniversary… 25 years of marriage to a wonderful man.

The past 25 years have been a journey, we’ve had a few bumps along the way and we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve argued and made up more times than I can remember. We’ve had peaceful times, and days, sometimes weeks, filled with drama. We’ve made it through the hard times and appreciated the good times.

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
– Aristotle

I found my soul mate and my best friend when we met in October 1989. We were married in June 1990, at Lancaster Registry Office in a  quiet ceremony. There were only seven people in the room.  As well as the Registrar and his assistant, myself and Brian, there were our two witnesses,  and my youngest daughter, Zoe, who was just one-year-old. We don’t have any photos from the day, just our memories. We didn’t have much money… we didn’t have much of anything really, but we had each other, the sun was shining and we had a good day!

“Together is my favorite place to be.”
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We’ve celebrated our anniversary each year, the same way as we got married – quietly and together. A card, a gift, and maybe a drink or two in the evening at home, watching tv or a film.

Our celebration yesterday wasn’t much different, but we did have a small get together with Zoe and her children. Just a few sandwiches and nibbles, some biscuits, buns and a cake.

 “Family is what happens when two people fall in love.”
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For me, the celebrations started last month when I started looking for a new wedding ring. My original ring hasn’t fit for a number of years and had to be split so I could continue to wear it. I have a silver ring, as I don’t like gold, and a silver anniversary seemed an appropriate time to replace it.

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I booked in for a tattoo,  which I wanted to keep secret until the day.  I’d had an idea involving a bee (B for Brian) and one of his favourite flowers which would be either a dahlia or a pansy, wasn’t sure which.

I wanted to decorate the room with balloons, and silver and red hearts, and I needed to make an anniversary card.

“One love, one heart, one destiny.”
-Bob Marley

We found some nice rings and chose one. Having decided on a pansy for the tattoo, I drew my idea and sent it to the tattooist. I designed and made the card, incorporating the same flower, and, because I felt like it, I made a felt pansy as well. The silver and red hearts were easy and quick to do with the scan’n’cut.

On Wednesday, I had my tattoo….

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On Thursday, I baked a cake and on Friday I iced it. Early yesterday morning I inflated the balloons with helium, tied them to ribbons and attached some of the hearts to the ribbons. The rest of the hearts went on the window. I wrapped his gift and signed the card, ready for when Brian woke up.

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We had a quiet morning. Brian was surprised by the decorations. He put the new ring on my finger. He loved the card and the tattoo.

The afternoon was livelier with Zoe and my grandchildren. We talked, we ate, we had a drink of cham…. ermm… sparkling wine, we had a great time.c

It was just the two of us again in the evening curled up on the couch and watching a film. I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect day!

I can’t imagine a future without Brian… here’s hoping for another 25 years!

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart and I’ll stay there forever.”
– Winnie The Pooh

My one and only blog….. until now.

In August 2013, I wrote this blog………

For the summer holidays this year  my youngest daughter  decided that she would take her kids for a some days out, rather than go away for a week, and invited me to join them.

So far I have joined them on a trip to Blackpool SeaLife Centre,  Yarrow Valley Country Park and Blackpool Tower. We have had a great time on all our days out, but our most recent trip to the tower will stick in my mind for a very long time!

The Circus was brilliant, the Dungeons were spooky but fun and the kids enjoyed Jungle Jims while my daughter and I had a brew.

The highlight of the trip for me, though, was the part I’d been dreading… the top of the tower!

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I am scared of heights, so I wasn’t looking forward to this part of the day, being over 500 feet in the air had never been on my to do list!  I don’t like rope bridges or  bridges and piers that have gaps between the boards. I’m not even happy climbing those stairs that have spaces instead of risers.

After the 4D Cinema, it was up in the lift, which had windows… not a good start.

The lift doors opened and my instinct was to stay on the lift and go straight back down. Nothing had prepared me for the open space and uninterrupted view! Stunning but scary!

My grandchildren showed no fear, running straight across the glass floor to the glass wall while my heart leapt into my mouth and my stomach turned somersaults.

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It took some time, but I conquered my fear and walked on that glass floor. I don’t know where I found the courage, but I’m very glad I did. However, it isn’t an experience I’d like to repeat!

I conquered The Blackpool Tower Eye… and I’m very proud of myself.

………and that was the total of my blogging journey.
I have decided to try again! This time I hope I will be here more often.

I can’t imagine anyone being interested enough, in what I say, to read it, and I don’t really know what I’ll post about, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.